The Worst Song Ever - "Blah, Blah, Blah" by Ke$ha featuring 3oh!3

Something about this week's worst song ever selection screams "I should have never been made" before you even listen to it. Maybe it's the lead singer, Ke$ha, a trashy Uffie rip-off who has found way too much success in her nascent career. It could be the assistance of everyone's favorite Helen Keller bashers, Colorado's own 3oh!3. I tend to believe the name of the song forewarns you of the upcoming disaster. Regardless, this song is more or less the musical version of a speech delivered in a local community college public speaking class, where it begins...by saying... clearly...at the beginning... that it is going to suck.... then...it sucks... then... it reminds you it sucked.



The song is named "Blah, Blah, Blah"... first impression is that "Listening, Gagging, Vomiting" was already taken by another track on her album. It begins with some bizaare gutteral groan - I cannot tell if she is trying to sound sexy, tough, or if the producers accidentaly left the tape rolling while young Ke$ha was spewing up Taco Bell's 5 layer burrito. Following what seems like three seconds of apparent pain, Ke$ha begins rapping. Go get grandma, the wholesome family fun begins now...

Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah

Zip your lips like a padlock

And meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox

I dont really care where you live at

Just turn around boy and let me hit that

Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat

Just show me where your dick's at

You know, I thought post-Britney that female singers' lyrics would prove more suggestive, but wow. I mean, I feel soiled. "I don't really care where you live at...just show me where your dick's at"... As suggestive as it is, I have to admit I'm not too turned on by it. Ke$ha has a nasal, pre-pubescent sounding voice, so when I hear her say "dick" I want to jump on my moped to get to the closest Aeropostale ASAP so I have a chance at getting jerked at the 9th grade dance by the slutty insecure girl who's parents are going through a divorce. Ke$ha does, however sound ready for some fun, as she wants her man to shut up and strip so she could, um, hit that? I've heard the rumours about Lady Gaga, but Ke$ha as well?

Back to the song as it is now time for the chorus...

Music's up Listen hot stuff

I'm in love With this song So just hush

Baby shut up

Heard enough

Stop ta-ta-talking that

Blah blah blah

Think you'll be getting this?

Nah nah nah

Not in the back of my

Ca-a-ar

If you keep talking that

Blah blah blah blah blah

Wow, this girl is dtf. If her message of "less talk, more action" wasn't appropriately conveyed in her first few lines, she decides to (somewhat) clearly state her intentions for one lucky guy in the chorus (and by "lucky" I mean lucky... with a scorching case of herpes). Apparently, there isn't a height restriction for the backseat of Ke$ha's car , and no need to be literate, stylish, or kissable... only quiet. Where was this girl when I was awkward, nervous, and horny on my moped wearing Aeropostale in high school?

Ke$ha continues without much of a change from the first verse, although she does use the term "glovebox" to describe her ladyparts. The lowest point of the song suprisingly doesn't belong to the lead singer, as 3o!3 continues to prove the theory that if you are a white suburban guy from a state that is best known for winter sports, you shouldn't try your hand at rapping...

You be delayin' You won't be sayin' some shizz

You say I'm playin I'm never layin' the bitch (dick?)

Sayin' "blah, blah blah"

Cause I don't care who you are in this bar, it only matters who I is

Wow... well...?

When you listen you realize that they found a way to sound horrific EVEN AFTER USING AUTOTUNE. They make T-Pain look like Stevie Wonder. Continuing with the T-Pain referance, The Bud Light guys did better!

There is nothing good about this song. The beat blares at you like a bad frat party. The lyrics seem to have come from a Mad Libs filled out by this guy. This song makes me worry that we really are regressing as a species.

This is why "Blah. Blah, Blah" is the WORST SONG EVER.

The Worst Song Ever - "1, 2, 3, 4" by Plain White T's

Back in the pre-recession days of summer 2007, a pop-punk band named Plain White T's shot up the charts with a refreshingly simple pop song featuring an acousic guitar and pure, sweet lyrics about a girl that you have to guess was written on the back of a napkin late one night. "Hey There Delilah" was a strange choice for a summer song, as the soft guitar and even softer lyrics clashed with just about everything else that "Umbrella"-heavy season, but even if you didn't like the sound you had to admit that it worked. Part of the reason why it worked was because it was so different from everything else out there. Yes, it was a cheesy love song, but when a band only releases one cheesy love song, it seems authentic. "Delilah" was something you could hear in a coffee shop, on your tween-aged sister's iPod, or on adult contemporary stations because it was so unique, so seemingly genuine, and yes the lollipop sugary sweetness could lead to a pop overload (which is what happened after about 2 months of radio stations playing only Umbrella or Delilah) but for a few minutes it wasn't too bad to just sit back and embrace the good old fashioned teenage pop.

In 2010, the song is no longer unique. We've all heard it, we've all become tired of it, we've all moved on and forgotten that it ever existed. It is the musical equivalent of this guy, and while it was interesting 2 and a half years ago, we moved onto bigger and better things (or in the case of "that guy", he was replaced by 2 girls and 1 strategically placed cup). Pop culture in 2007 is no longer relevant today, and we are still (hopefully) years away from Vh1's "I Love 2007". That is why I had to do a double take last week at the grocery store when I heard an imposter version of "Delilah".



After bonding with the cashier while discussing how bad the hallmark card turned song that was blaring through the speakers was, I decided I had to do some digging. Turns out, the band not only stole the Plain White T's Delilah-esque sound, the name of the song is taken from Feist! Needless to say, I wasn't pleased. Regardless, I continued looking up anything about the calculated, over producded three and a half minute attempt at a song that features an acoustic guitar, a young male singer, and a whole lot of douchebaggery.

I never would have expected what happened next; Luke's father, Dexter's brother, Bruce Willis' life (or lack thereof) all pale in comparison to this shocker: the Plain White T's have ripped off the Plain White T's. Seems its still the same band, so why they would rip off the sound of a song that works once, but ONLY once, makes no sense to me whatsoever. They have remade Delilah, a song that worked partly due to inane lyrics, into "1, 2, 3, 4", a song shallower than a Toys'R'Us kiddie pool featuring little musical effort. Check these lyrics out:

give me more lovin then i've ever had.

make it all better when i'm feelin sad.

tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.

make me feel good when i hurt so bad.

barely gettin mad,im so glad i found you.

i love bein around you.

you make it easy,as easy as

1 2,(1 2 3 4.)

My only response is a head shake and a bewildered "really"? Are the lyrics from one lover to another, or from one semi-emo six year old to his mom on Mother's Day? Did the lead singer actually sit down and take time to write this out, or is this some attempt at irony that really misses? Lets dig a bit deeper into the song, and conside the chorus.

theres only "one" thing "two" do "three" words "four" you.

"i love you."

My head actually just exploded. I find myself at a loss for words usually reserved for Sarah Palin soundbytes. Do these guys think that it is clever to say "two" and "four" instead of "to" and "for"? Does Hallmark have comprimising photos of one of them? Do they not realize that only Bon Jovi can pull off the entire "I have (insert number from 3-5) words for you" schtick ?(seriously, the've done it twice, in "I'll be there for you" and "Thank You for Loving Me"). My 8th grade social studies project of coming up with a song for the Black Plague was better written that this peice of junk. Horiffic, horiffic lyrics. Fail. Epic, epic Fail.

There's nothing original in the next two verses to bring up. The song is just repetative, and as simple minded as counting from 1 to 4, which is essentialy what they do for 3 and a half minutes. Unlike "Delilah", simple lyrics and soft guitars just doesn't work with "1,2,3,4". Why? The Plain White T's have taken a one-time soft-rock hit and have attempted to turn it into a formula. The original song worked because it was new, it wasn;t formulaic. Acoustic guitars and an attempt at heartfelt lyrics won't work with this band long term (ie, more than one song). Seriously Plain White T's, you are not Simon and Garfunkel, you are a band featuring lyrics like "hate is a strong word but I really really really don't like you". The only other alt/pop band I can think of who found themselves in this situation was Green Day, who kept "Good Riddance" as their only foray into soft rock. The situation most resembles Ja Rule, who withdrew from the "Between Me and You" account a few too many times before having a career bankruptcy. Similarly, Plain White T's couldn't show the self control necessary to maintain the credibility of "Delilah", and it is unfortunate. Now, instead of one day watching Vh1 and having a semi nostalgic moment thinking of "Hey There Delilah" and the summer of 2007, I will always think of the Plain White T's as the group that reduced themselves to those 99 cent "I love you" cards, where the paper is worth about 98 cents and the words, are, I guess price-less?

This is why "1,2,3,4" is the worst song ever.

The Worst Song Ever - "If You Only Knew" by Shinedown

For the life of me, I cannot understand why Nickelback© has earned followers. I mean, yes, they have sold a ton of albums, they have made some cash partnering with one of the bailed-out banks, and they had one of the most successful rock songs of the 2000s (How You Remind Me), but for all intents and purposes, they are horrible. They are to music what Hallmark is to holidays and Walmart is to small business; they are a conquer all, succeed-by-numbers band who knows their formula and sticks to it. While some groups might rival them (I guess 3 Doors Down is a less trendy "Target" to Nickelback's Walmart in this instance), this much is clear: you cannot out-Nickelback Nickelback©.

Well, it seems the boys over at Shinedown have actually attempted to do just this, while also paying homage to other terrible songs by some famous female singers. Their semi-new single "If You Only Knew" (you might know it as the "it's 4:03 and I can't sleep" song) starts out like any Nickelback song you have heard since 2003: an overly serious, unintentionally hilarious guitar riff, followed by a few Chad Kroeger-y emotional-yet-tough lyrics that lead you to the next 3 minutes and 45 seconds (just about the perfect length of a Nickelback© song - almost all of their singles fall between 3:40 and 4:10). Let's take a look at these emotionally charged, intellectually challenged "lyrics"...

If you only knew

I'm hanging by a thread

The web I spin for you

If you only knew

I'd sacrifice my beating

Heart before I lose you

I still hold onto the letters

You returned

I swear I've lived and learned

This is going to be fun. Where to begin the critique?

Let's look at the storyteller. It seems we have a narrator hanging by a thread that they can spin. "Hanging by a thread" seems to imply they are holding on for dear life. Having the ability to "spin" a "web" indicates this person (arachnid? Peter Parker?) shouldn't be hanging by a thread in any case, since they have the ability to just create additional threads to hold themselves up by. This person spins webs, but can't hold themselves up. Pathetic. Charlotte he is not.

The narrator goes on to inform the listener that they are willing to sacrifice their own heart for the object of their affection, the apple to their eye, the female Shinedown fan in their MySpace profile. Sacrificing organs usually works best when one no longer requires use of them, this especially holds true for those organs we consider vital. Giving an organ away to a loved one is a futile exercise in wooing, the same way ramming cliches down our throats is a futile exercise in writing. Better luck next sentence?

"I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned".

That last sentence sounds familiar... where have I heard this before?

Oh Alanis, any chance I have at bringing the fifth best single off your debut album is a chance I will gladly take.

Regardless, someone has had letters handed back to them, and this has proven to me a good learning opportunity. Seems Shinedown's lead singer has a relationship with his MySpace girl that is comprable to my relationship with Mrs. Cone, my third grade teacher. Writing samples were handed back, margins were corrected, that week's spelling words were underlined, and I knew from that moment on that "a lot" is not spelled "alot". Thank you Mrs. Cone. Back to Shinedown.

The first few lines make no sense. None whatsoever. The chorus is even worse.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Without you next to me I

Toss and turn like the sea

If I drown tonight, bring me

Back to life

Breathe your breath in me...

Excuse me? So far we have a web with one thread, a rehased "Jagged Little Pill" song, and now we are paying respect to Gwen Stefani's third worst song ever. Then they decide to go all Ishmael on us and talk about the sea. They "toss and turn" like the sea. At 4:03. If it is 4:03 and I am in bed, laying awake, I am not tossing and turning, I am either cursing out insomnia or getting pissed about taking that extra line at the bar after last call. I am not tossing and turning, I am seething and/or screaming. Also, I don't get how they make the water reference, but then act as if they will, in fact drown. Shinedown really took all the life out of that metaphor, no breath can be breathed back into it, that thing is dead.

I'll spare you the other two verses, they seem to rehash the first one but spend a lot of time going back to "letters being sent". The last person I sent a letter to was my Grandma. That was 1998. If I am going to bother a girl who wants nothing with me, I simply facebook stalk, tweet, text, or if I am feeling retro, switch AIM names and send late night messages pretending I am someone from her class to find out if she is, in fact, hooking up with that skinny kid who wears girls jeans and still relies on MySpace. I digress.

"If You Only Knew" is a song that hammers a point home to the listener with Playskool tools. The unoriginal lyrics are flanked with meoldies stolen from every corporate rock song for the past five years, and the orchestra in the background seems like they cropped out part of Aerosmith's 1998 "Dont Wanna Miss a Thing". It is cookie-cutter to the core, a sad attempt at a rock song but a grand step towards transforming Shinedown into Shinedown©. They are not Nickelback© quite yet, but no worries Shiniedown, your day as a soulless music-by-numbers corporatae band seems near.

This is why "If You Only Knew" by Shinedown is the WORST SONG EVER.

Welcome

Friends and fellow followers of music, welcome to "The Worst Song Ever". In this blog, I intend to introduce you to some of the worst that current pop, rock, and hip hop music has to offer. Of course, many of the songs you hear on this blog are also going to be played on your local top 40 stations, so in those cases where the terrible attempt at music actually has an audience, I will ridicule artist, composition, and fan. Sound fun?

You might say that this sounds like the work of a pompous, self-righteous jerk who wishes he himself were able to make beautiful music. You would be right. I love music, it is one of the most important aspects of my life. It's been there from the start - I was raised on everything from Simon and Garfunkel to Dylan, to Janis Joplin, to Bruce and Billy, to Zeppelin, to the Motown classics, and in the course of my growing years Nirvana, Green Day, 2Pac and Biggie, and many things pop from the 80's, 90's, and 2000s. I've spent many nights listening to cds of random bands, and over the years I switched mediums to include iTunes, MySpace, youtube, and really just anything under the sun. Maybe not credentials of a classicaly-trained expert, but if I were to follow Gladwell's rule of 10,000 hours, I was an expert by 15.

I love music, especially good music, the types of songs that make you want to hear albums, and the types of albums that make you want to replay over and over again. I love to be tested by musicians, I love bands that push the proverbial envelope, and I love artists that can leave you breathlessly stunned, with only the capacity to murmur "wow". I also love songs that are fun to drink to, but that's a different story.

I am going to allow these horrible songs to revel in their rediculoussness, I am going to gut these songs and show you how ugly their inner depths are (or just point out how terribly depthless most of the crap on the radio actually is). This is not a groundbreaking venture by any means, it is simply the ramblings of a fan who wants to try to laugh about the current state of music.

I sincerely hope you enjoy the blog, and thanks for following!